Lesson 12 - Who is the Boss?

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This week for my Marriage class we read an article called “Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families” by Richard Miller, PhD, of Brigham Young University. His presentation discussed the issues of power, control, and hierarchy in families. He brought up several valuable points and I want to share my thoughts on a couple of them.

1.       “The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults.”


I have five grown children, three are married and two are single. Of those five, the two single daughters and one married son have been living with us for the past three months. Thankfully, they didn’t all move home at once so my husband and I have been able to make adjustments along the way. We have seen the challenges others have faced when their children came home temporarily and we decided that by “letting go,” we could avoid many of the harsh feelings that arose in those observed families. For example, we don’t demand to know where our children are going, who they will be with, or when they will be home. Interestingly, although we don’t demand these things, we still know these things. If our children are going to be late, they text to let me know. They know I don’t sleep well if they are late; their text is done out of respect and love instead of out of duty.

2.       “The marital relationship should be a partnership. Husbands and wives have different responsibilities, but they function as equals.”


As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I believe this wholly. I further believe that “by divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children” (https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world?lang=eng). This division of roles has been successful in our home. There are times I have seen my husband boldly protecting our family and it has put me in complete awe of his inner strength. Likewise, he daily works to support our family. When our children were in the expensive teen years, he often took on side jobs doing car repairs in order to meet family needs which exceeded our budget. Because he has taken his role seriously, I have been able to focus on nurturing our children. Even though I worked part-time, we both knew it was secondary to everything else. We have been fortunate because my job has had flexible hours. I was able to be involved in the activities of our children, to know their friends, and be with them at critical times. This could not have happened if my husband hadn’t taken his role seriously as the provider and protector in our home.

Families change over the years and we need to adapt in order to keep solid relationships with our children. As couples work together and go to the Lord for guidance, they will know how to act so that their families will remain united. Watching our family of little ones grow into mature, successful adults with families of their own is wonderful. It’s even more satisfying to observe that they enjoy each other’s company and our family unit is cohesive and strong. Hurray for the knowledge we have been given about the different but equal roles we have as husbands and wives, mothers and fathers!

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