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Lesson 13 - Family Rules and Legacies



Every family has rules and those rules include those about money. In his book, Till Debt Do Us Part, Bernard Poduska shares his thoughts about monetary family rules. He explains that “family rules are maintained and transmitted across generations on three levels: explicit, implicit, and intuitive” (Poduska, B. (2000). Till Debt do us Part, (Chapter 2). Salt Lake City, Utah: Shadow Mountain). We have seen that transmission over generations in our family. Thankfully, my husband and I both had good examples to transmit to our children.

Family Unity

My son-in-law is Venezuelan by birth. He and my daughter met while both were serving their missions. After their missions, they had an unplanned meeting and were engaged a few months later. During that time, we learned that my son-in-law was a DACA recipient whose dream was to become a United States citizen. Honestly, I didn’t really know anything about the process he would be required to go through. There are many steps he needs to follow to become a United States citizen; the first was to gain his Permanent Resident Card. He and my daughter were typical broke college students and had no way to earn the money required for the citizenship process. This filled their life with fear and uncertainty. Regardless of anyone’s political views, the fact is that the Lord has had a hand in his life and the incident of his receiving his permanent resident card is an example of that fact.

Here is an excerpt from my journal:

“We had a remarkable day yesterday.  Friday evening Lisa told me that (my son-in-law and daughter) needed about $2500 to continue his quest to become a U.S. citizen.  Since they would never be able to accumulate that much money, we decided to ask the family.  I sent out messages to my children, my siblings and both sets of grandparents.  By last night, we had $3220 pledged!  All I do is cry when I think about it and the power of family unity.  It is absolutely incredible.  The truth is, a couple of people had given me a pledge range and I told them to choose the smaller of the amounts. They did and we still got over the asked for amount.  I saw sacrifice in each person's generosity from the one who donated $20 to the ones who donated several hundred dollars. Words can't express the gratitude I feel for being in the family that I am in and the knowledge that my children "get it" and will carry on that unity and strength. I called (my daughter and son-in-law) in the afternoon with the total. My husband, another daughter, and I were on our end and they were on the other end, each on speakerphone.  We told them we had created a campaign and what we had raised.  At first, I think they were in shock and then they both started to cry.  I cried.  We were all a mess.  It was such a sweet moment and a privilege to assist in relieving the financial burden they were facing.”

Last year, we were able to go to Boise to the hearing where he was granted permanent resident status. The next step (in a couple of years) is to become an official citizen of the United States.

Family Rules Inventory

Poduska suggests that we do a family rules inventory to better understand how family rules influence finances. That inventory will help us see what each of us has brought to our marriage. As my husband and I did so, we found a rich emotional legacy that has passed from our parents, through us, to our children. Yes, some emotional legacy’s can be burdensome, but in our case, the legacy has been remarkably good. I am a blessed mother to be able to observe the strength of my children as they unite together in a cause to help the one.

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