Lesson 2 - True Heroism
My mother grew up in the “Ozzie and Harriet” era, but lived
a life far different from what was portrayed on the television. As the oldest
of three children, she experienced first-hand the destructiveness that comes
from contention and divorce. As she would put it, her “parents loved each other
but couldn’t live together.” Consequently, they married, divorced, and remarried
each other. I believe they were working through a second divorce when my
grandfather passed away from the effects of alcoholism. When they were together,
there was an abundance of yelling and contention. She grew up with the economic
hardships and exposure to stress described by Paul Amato’s article, “The Impact
of Family Formation Change on the Cognitive, Social, and Emotional Well-Being
of the Next Generation.” He stated, “In general, … children in high-conflict
households experience many of the same problems as do children with divorced
parents. In fact, some studies show that children with discordant married
parents are worse off than children with divorced parents.” My mother had both.
Gratefully, she chose to be a transitional character. My mom
became a transitional character by using her stubbornness for good. I know
someone who says we should be “stubborn in righteousness” and this is a phrase
that my mom exemplifies. She just determined she would not be a yeller. I can
remember times growing up when she would be really upset/angry, but she refused
to yell. I have wondered if she was afraid that if she had yelled once, she
would fall back into the patterns she had seen in her home growing up.
Because of her strength and determination, she filtered out
the destructiveness of her childhood and changed the course for generations. My
siblings and I did not grow up with instability, contention or fear; we grew up
in a home filled with love, acceptance, and growth. She also instilled in us a
love of our grandparents by focusing on the good things about them. I do not
remember my grandfather since he died before I was two years of age, but I have
many fond memories of my grandmother. I remember kneeling by her bed to say my
prayers with her when I was a young girl. I didn’t know how anyone could pray
so long! I also remember her baking, her humongous filled-to-the-brim purse,
and her nurse’s uniform. Mostly, however, I remember that she loved me and I
loved to be with her.
None of this is meant to short-change my father who was also
a major component of our happy and secure home. Both of my parents bent over
backward to provide a loving and secure environment. The year I graduated from
high school, my dad lost his plumbing business during a downturn in the
economy. He didn't get paid for several jobs he had completed as a
subcontractor, and they couldn't carry the burden. In order to pay the bills
they had due, my dad went back to Southern California from our home in
Washington State to work for a family plumbing business. He planned his trips home
around high school extra-curricular events such as my brother's football games.
He would fly home on a Friday afternoon and go straight to the football game to
cheer on my brother before actually going home. He would then fly back to
California on Sunday night. This went on for about two years. I
know those airplane tickets were a real sacrifice of money they didn't have
(this was before airline miles), but they put family first. They always have
put God and family first.
The statistics reported in Amato’s article are quite
sobering, but it is heartening to know that there are transitional characters
who are willing to pay the price to filter out a detrimental past so that
future generations have the opportunity to thrive. My parents currently live
next door to me, and I am able to assist them now with the physical demands of
this life. They continue to be examples to me and my children and guide me in
the “weightier matters” (Matthew 23:23) of obedience to the commandments, love,
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