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Lesson 9 - Merging Required


I live out in the country so I drive a lot. It takes fifteen minutes to get to the nearest grocery store and thirty minutes to get to any kind of shopping center. I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else, but this choice means I spend a lot of time driving. When my children were younger, the drive times were perfect for little chats to see how they were doing. I learned that they opened up in ways they didn’t when we were home and distracted. I had a captive audience!

Now that my children are grown, I have quiet time in the car which gives me time to think and ponder. I have found analogies that I can use to strengthen my relationships. Here is an example:

       When I started driving as a teen, I was scared to do my assigned freeway drive. I knew I would need to speed up on the on-ramp and then merge with fast-moving traffic. With my instructor’s help, I was able to accomplish the drive. After practicing, merging with oncoming traffic became easier. Now I do it without much thought even when there are big semis in the lane that I will be entering.

Marriage is another opportunity for me to learn to merge. In John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he says that compromise is the only way to solve marital problems. He also says that compromise is about finding ways to accommodate each other. In other words, we need to merge our two ideas in order to reach the same goal. There is room for both of us on this road of marriage as we work together. When I merge with traffic, I still get where I’m going, but sometimes it requires an adjustment of speed. I might need to speed up or slow down depending on the flow of traffic. Likewise, in a marriage, I need to be willing to make adjustments. Instead of forcing my will in all aspects of our marriage, I need to accept my spouse’s influence and be willing to compromise.

Petty Preferences

Dr. H. Wallace Goddard in his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, teaches us that we need to live a higher law in our marriages. In a covenantal, consecrated marriage, we are asked to put away “petty preferences” and follow Christ’s example in honoring our covenants.  Those petty preferences could be compared to our forcing our speed on others when we are trying to merge. Sometimes we need to speed up or slow down, to compromise. As Goddard states, “Consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to asking how we can bless and serve.”

Eternal Goals

Since my husband and I have the same eternal goals, we’ll get there. We just might take a route that is different from what I had in mind. That’s okay as long as we reach the destination together. The destination is really all that matters – whether in traveling to the grocery store or eternal life with my loved ones.

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