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Lesson 7 - Make the Sauce

I recently traveled to Puyallup to spend two days with my 13-year-old niece. She is struggling a bit, needed a friend, and wanted me to teach her how to crochet. It was a wonderful time with family. While I was there, I observed components of my sister’s strong marriage. My brother-in-law is Italian, and they like to make pasta sauce from scratch. For years I have heard rave reviews about the sauce, but I hadn’t been to a meal where it had been served. Since I was there, my sister thought it would be nice for me to try Vince’s sauce. She says she knows how to make it, but everyone thinks Vince’s is more authentic. About 3:30 on the day of my arrival, we were headed out to get yarn for my niece. Before we left, my sister set out all the ingredients and equipment needed to make the sauce so that it would be easier for Vince to make when he got home from work. I could tell this was a normal routine for her; she wasn’t bothered by it at all.

Microculture in Families - Filling our Emotional Bank Account

They have created a microculture in their family which strengthens each member. In Gottman’s book, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he states that these microcultures “have their customs (like Sunday dinner out), rituals (like a champagne toast after the birth of each baby), and myths – the stories that couples tell themselves (whether true, false, or embellished).” (Page 261) The above example includes all the elements of a microculture:

                Custom – Italian food with homemade sauce
                Ritual – Vince makes the sauce for the family
                Myth – Vince learned to make sauce from his mom and it is better than Janet’s

We enjoyed a wonderful dinner and afterward, her three children worked together to clean the kitchen. When I complimented my niece on how well they did getting the kitchen cleaned without being asked, she remarked that they knew the expectations and so they might as well just get it done. By having clear expectations, their family runs very well. The kitchen was quickly cleaned, and we were able to spend an enjoyable evening together. Interestingly, we didn’t do everything together that evening, but we were in the same room sharing in each other’s presence.

My sister and her husband have learned to turn toward each other in the little things and, therefore, are there for each other in the big things. Regarding those who are there for each other during minor events, Gottman states, “you have built up a hefty emotional bank account that should support you over any rough patches in your marriage (and keep many at bay).” (page 91) Janet and Vince personify what Gottman teaches – they have had their share of big challenges and have weathered them well. As we all work to strengthen our marriages, we can look around us to see what we can learn from other couples. If we choose wisely, their examples can help us know how to improve our own marriages.

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