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Lesson 5 - "You're Number One!"

Marry your best friend is a common bit of advice that people are given. In fact, when my husband and I were married, we received this advice. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman says that “happy marriages are based on a deep friendship” (pg. 21). He defines this as mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. This friendship is something that my husband and I have developed over the years.

Number One Fan

When we had been married for about three years, I sat in a Relief Society lesson which was taught by a woman I greatly admired. I had babysat for her family over the years and knew the comfortable, safe home she provided for her children. As she taught about marital relationships, I listened intently because I knew I would gain from her wisdom. She taught that we should be president of our husband’s fan club. From there, she explained how a president would act including that a president wouldn’t publicly complain about the person. Now, over three decades later, I continue to hear her voice in my mind if I have a complaining thought about to come from my mouth. I have slipped a few times along the way; thankfully, they have been to a safe confidante rather than whoever happened to be nearby. True friends don’t demean the other and complaining demeans.

My husband has made an enormous effort to find common interests that we can share. If he were only thinking of himself, he would be out riding motorcycles on the weekends and would have a classic car to fix up. Instead, he has devoted his time to his family. Friday night is date night at our house. We try to find new experiences for our date nights and they vary quite a bit. These evenings strengthen our friendship as we find new things to do together.

Date Night

These dates began early in our marriage and continue to this day. Everyone knows that Ray and Nancy have date nights on Friday evenings. We rarely get asked to babysit the grandchildren on Friday nights, and it is well-known that I won’t attend a Relief Society Social on a Friday night that doesn’t include my spouse. In my opinion, there are other times during the week where I can get together with the sisters from my ward. Friday night is date night with my best friend.

Marital Rituals

We also enjoy practicing simple marital rituals. For instance, we say “I love you” when we leave the house. We developed a fun ritual without our even realizing it. When we kiss goodbye or after family prayer or at other times, we have always given 3 quick kisses instead of one. For years, we didn't even notice that we did it. Then our children pointed it out to us and we thought about it. We realized that's what my parents do! I haven't seen it carry on with my married children, but it's a good one for us.

Eternal Friendship

As I consider our friendship, I can see the growth that has occurred over the years. What I have learned is that in order to create a lasting friendship and, therefore, a happy marriage, we have to spend time together. I admire my husband’s dedication to keeping our marriage alive and growing. I love the thought of eternity with my best friend. In the words of Kyle Benson who wrote "The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science (https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/), "The small acts that demonstrate you care are powerful ways to enhance the positivity in your marriage." Those small acts only occur if we choose to spend time together.

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